A little poem...

And I think about all the exes i havent met along my journey those unnamed faces of unrequited lovers a glory hole of shame and decite one grindr message away from breaking my heart and leaving me in tatters once more. Too long have I spent clicking through profiles of men who would sooner take me anally than take me seriously the writing is on the wall and the condom is in the bin the comforting shadow of anonymity once again clings to my skin as I hide behind a superficial psudeoname and a picture that says "I'm ready for the taking"...

My awkward go to place...

So I have come to the conclusion that I have a very very uncomfortable go up place when ever I feel anxious or worried and that place *hold for suspense* is death..no matter what the sceneario and I think a lot of people go to this place when they feel like this. I'll be the first to put my hands up and say that this morbid feeling is not a pleasant one so it makes me wonder why do we as people go to that place.

 I personally was always under the impression and from my own expirence especially that anxiety and depression go hand in hand so maybe it's a good thing that you can be that low and not want to be dead because to me a fear of death is a fear of not living your life to its full potential and I know that that's how I feel personally. It's almost  like I'm not happy with all the stuff I have done so far and that it isn't enough for me but at the same time I feel like anxiety can be an obstacle when it comes to living life to the fullest so I suppose it's about finding that "fuck it" attitude so we can stop caring about peoples reactions and thoughts so that we can just worry about our own reactions and thoughts towards ourselves. Sometimes in life it's hard to turn the attention inwards and this can lead to those feelings thus resulting on a vicious circle now how's that for some food for thought...

Ethan 

Just a little pill...

Recently I have found myself contemplating the thoughts of taking medication to make myself feel better. As I mentioned I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately even when I talk about it I feel like I get anxious but the more I think about it the more I feel like I have conditioned myself to feel this way it's like a coping mechanism to help me avoid having emotions. 

 Not so long ago when I repeated the leaving cert I had just come out and was going through a rough time at home in dealing with all the awkwardness that's associated with coming. Then when I started school again I started getting bullied and it really took affect on me. I didn't tell any one because at the time I didn't want to have to tell my mum because I felt that when I came out in some way I disappointed her so then when the bulling happened I just decided to put up with it so I wouldn't have to bring it home with me and in hind sight I should of done something about it as the way I feel now is related to this.

I spent such a long time trying to block out feelings so that I could make stuff easier for people instead of making things easier for myself and now there are moment where I feel like ill never get any better but then i suppose I need to start reminding myself that I'm not in that environment anymore that I have a bit more confidence now not much more but I feel like I have a better understanding of myself and that has to be worth something...

My little life...

Welcome to my not so passive aggressive blog where I'll talk about what ever and post what ever and generally exist and let the entire internet know how existing is going for me. 

 Today is the 24th September and I am currently stood in the maternity ward of the "blogoverse" whilst walking to work and generally being glued to my iPhone like any other twenty something year old, the something is one and by that I mean I'm 21 incase you're wondering what I was doing there I was trying to be witty! 

 So moving on swiftly past that car crash of a paragraph, I haven't really decided what this blog is going to be and to be frank I can't say that I'm really that pushed I don't even think people will read this I just want to be able to focus my thoughts I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety at the moment and I feel like having a place to rant will really help clear my head I hate confrontation so this is a nice way to address people without having to address them. I know what your thinking but that's like running away from your problems which it probably is but I am in sevre need of a back bone so until now this will do. 

I took this just walking to work and thought it would be nice to add to the blog I have always loved fog it's such nice weather to walk in. 

This is the end of this post so like bye xoxo

PS. If any one is reading this I'm not going to try over edit this I might not even re read the posts so sorry if my English offends you.